I avoided the computer yesterday because I just knew I shouldn’t type out what I was feeling quite yet. That is, about being at this point in my pregnancy. STILL PREGNANT. Almost 38 weeks (tomorrow) to be exact. As I left my appointment yesterday, I won’t lie in saying that I cried most of the way home just because I always get my hopes up before my weekly slew of assessments. I don’t want to paint a picture of some sad girl driving down the road sobbing, I just think sometimes (while very hormonal) you have to get those emotions out with sunglasses on+as Taylor Swift plays some sad love song. Perfection.
I had a gut feeling that not much had changed as I went into the appointment, because I didn’t feel that much different from last week to now. However, there’s always that glimmer of hope. The baby was very uncooperative for the Non-Stress Test, leaving me sitting there for nearly an hour trying every trick in the book to get her to move around a bit. I then started to think that maybe she wasn’t moving enough and they would realize (PLEASE REALIZE) that she is huge and needs to come out. Would they swiftly escort me over to Labor and Delivery before my appointment? Would they even bother checking my cervix again? The Hollywood scene played out in my head…However, as I made my way over to meet with my doctor, she said everything looked fine+that she can’t believe they kept me on the NST machine that long. Cue, first bit of heartbreak
Shortly after we discussed the NST results, she checked me again and I was over 1.5 cm dilated, close to 2 she said. But I think she only said that because she saw the look of sheer horror on my face when she announced the tiny amount of progress I had made. She did remind me that I was very effaced and so whenever the cervix begins to dilate, that things will move along well. We then discussed my induction date, which will be next Thursday (Valentine’s Day) and I’m sure all of the specifics will be ironed out at my appointment on Tuesday. The sad part is, that unless Suze decides to come before Saturday I will be delivered by another doctor. Mine will be vacationing in the Caribbean. How festive
I am very torn about things right now. And one moment my feelings are up and the next they are down. For the most part, I know that only God knows when the best timing is for SA to come-and so I wait. And am comforted in this. Because He knows what is best for me, even if I think otherwise in my current circumstance. However, there is a huge part of me that feels as though I can’t go on like this for one more, hour let alone another week. SEVEN MORE DAYS. So short, but so long.
For the planner in me, having a scheduled induction seems beautiful. I can go in that morning showered, make-up done, hair waved and not have to deal with the mad rush to get to the hospital if things happened unannounced. I could have Helen’s meals planned out. Her outfits laid out. The cleaning lady scheduled. All of those things make me smile+the control freak inside of me do a silent cheer. But, those things are also scary to me, because I don’t want to have to give anything that much thought at this point. I am SO DONE. SO OVER THIS. And I kind of just want to be surprised. What do all of the above things matter if I’m flipping miserable. I don’t want to have to think that this is our “last weekend as a family of three”, my “last time to tuck Helen in to bed before baby”, my “last normal day at home with her”. Those things are too emotionally taxing, but yet are obviously on the forefront of your mind when you’re time is scheduled to run out.
I will continue to make lists. And Rainbow Chip icing will be on the afternoon snack time menu. Until she comes. She has a deadline now, you know.